Wow, it has been a long time since I wrote anything on this blog. Much has happened since my last entry. The biggest and most profound has been Covid-19 and it’s impact on everyone and everything. All in all, I feel that I have been handling it all pretty well. There have been days and sometimes weeks where I felt pretty overwhelmed and sometimes very teary…I wasn’t sure if it was my own sadness or maybe sympathy pains for someone else, so I just kept giving it back to Papa (God) each day, each time, each moment. I have been trying to journal as often as possible, but at times I have found that even journaling feels like too much. Below you will find an excerpt from today’s The Jesus Journals.
Papa, I don’t even know where to begin. I feel sad, angry, frustrated, irritated…so many things, and I don’t feel like I can do anything about it. I feel like most of what I put my hand to lately ends up less than what I want it to be or less than others think is acceptable. I know, logically, that much of what I am feeling is normal and most likely a result of the stress from this whole pandemic, but I feel so undone. I haven’t been spending time with You other than to pray. I’m glad that my foundation is as strong as it is or I honestly don’t know where I’d be. I don’t doubt Your existence or even Your involvement in my life at all…I know that regardless of what is happening in my life, that You are working all things together for my good. I’m not just saying that because I have read it, but I really believe it in my heart. I know that you love and treasure me and that you long to spend time with me, and for that I am sorry…sorry to hurt you…sorry to make you wait again. I’ve been keeping myself busy “doing” all sorts of things, but none with much depth. Or am I just being critical of myself? I don’t even know.
We are starting to get on each other’s nerves too…with not being able to really go anywhere or do anything outside of our farm. I’m so very thankful for our farm…I just miss some of what we had before, a lot. I miss mom, “S” and “K”. I miss being able to just visit with a neighbor or go to church. I don’t miss the busy-ness or the (what felt like) forced schedules…having to go here and there. I just wish it were an option now. I miss having a choice. I guess I sort of took that for granted.
And then, I get so frustrated with people when they say to me, “well at least you have your family to be quarantined with” or “at least you have your farm and things to do…places to move about”, like somehow I have forgotten all of that. I am grateful for having family and for the animals and all that we have to do here on a daily basis. It has kept us so busy and kept our minds off of much of this, but now it has gone on for so long that I feel like I need a break. The lack of ability to get a quiet moment.
What it comes down to is, it’s okay that I feel the way that I do. It doesn’t take away from anyone else’s hurts and frustrations. All because I live on a farm, with my family around me, doesn’t make being quarantined any less emotional or difficult for me than it does for the next person. It’s different from OUR normal. Normal has changed and we are having to adjust and adapt to the way things are now…and not knowing how things will be tomorrow. If I lived under a bridge, or in a mansion, or in the city, or on a farm, normal has taken on a whole new face…one that NO ONE alive today has experienced before, so none of us really knows how to navigate it. It is a learning process, and with any learning process, it takes time, patience, and understanding. Please help me to have that, not only for others, but for myself. Please help us all.