I guess this can be true in most cases, that sometimes baby steps are big steps. Afterall, whichever road you are walking down, you have to put one foot in front of the other and start moving forward. Whether you are doing something fun, necessary, or difficult. And while the pace may be different, the process is much the same.
If you look at a child, they have to crawl before they walk, and they fall down frequently before they master being steady on their feet. Next consider moving to a new house, first you have to plan, then you have to load everything into boxes, and finally you proceed with the whole moving process. I know it’s actually much more complicated than that, but still…baby steps. Now consider processing through traumatic events. What does that look like? Where do you even begin? Whether it is the death of a loved one, a life altering accident, or an offense committed against you…how do you begin to walk?
Navigating trauma doesn’t come with a rule book or a guide. There are some “self help” books that people have written, but when it comes to actually “walking it out” each person’s road is as individual as the person and trauma experienced.
I, personally, have experienced several different kinds of trauma. The first trauma that really impacted my life happened when I was five years old. I was sexually abused by a non family member and threatened by that same individual if I would tell anyone. There were 11 other times between the ages of 5 and 19 where similar things happened…each carrying it’s own trauma associated with the offence. I may write about this again in the future, more specifically and of the healing that God brought, but for today I am going to focus on a different pathway God has lovingly walked me down.
Another trauma that I have experienced, which is more common, is the death of a loved one that you are very close with. I lost my grandparents, my father, my sister, and four of our children in utero. The death that impacted me the most was that of our first daughter to pass away and then to find out that she was a twin to our son Noah.
When Hope passed away I held her tiny little body in my hands and felt the deepest grief I had ever known. I felt like my body had failed me…I felt like I had somehow failed my daughter in being able to provide a safe place for her to grow. I know that losing a baby before they are born isn’t something we have any control over, but I am just being real about the thoughts and feelings I was having. I struggled so much even with my faith…fighting to understand why she had to pass away…how God could allow it. I had seen others that weren’t living a life committed to God having babies at every turn, yet I, who loved Him and served him with every breath, couldn’t hold on to her. Several weeks later, I was still having symptoms of pregnancy and went to have my doctor try to figure out why. When they examined me and did another ultrasound they found another baby (Noah at 16 weeks) who had never been seen before. Finding out about him brought about so many different emotions that I didn’t know quite how to handle.
I’m going to back up a little here to reflect again to baby steps. God started walking me through the beginning stages of those baby steps by naming her for us. On the way to the appointment, God gave me her name in the car. I argued with him, like I often do…maybe not argued, but questioned why the name Hope…after all, she had died. Then when I got out of the car, I asked Scott (he drove separately) what he thought her name should be and he also said that he felt that God gave him the name Hope. When we got home, my cousin gave me a card that said that God gave us hope for a reason. And finally our neighbor spoke the scripture to me that talks about not grieving as one without hope. (1 Thessalonians 4:13) Four times He confirmed her name to us!
The next “step” was the Sunday after she passed…we sang the song Blessed Be Your Name. I sang and praised God in the most difficult way possible…through unspeakable grief. The words that we sang, “
Song by Matt Redman ‧ 2002
OverviewLyricsOther recordings
Lyrics
Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name
Blessed Be Your name
When I’m found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I’ll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name
When the sun’s shining down on me
When the world’s ‘all as it should be’
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there’s pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I’ll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name
The words in blue were the ones that spoke the most to my heart and the ones that I wept through as I sang them to my God…my Creator…my Loving Father…the One who never let me walk through a single part of it alone, but held me as I grieved. There were times that I even struggled to feel Him, while I knew He was there. He is to be blessed and praised no matter what our circumstances are because His character NEVER changes. I may not understand what I am going through, but I worship the One who does, and He is the only one who can make those decisions based on His wisdom. I still, to this day, don’t understand why she couldn’t stay…or her three sisters that came to join her too early, based on my timing, but I know that He knows and that they were here for as long as they were supposed to be. One day I will see them again and He promises that my tears will be wiped away.
The next big step was Noah…I said that I struggled with so many different emotions…we had never even known about him, and were still grieving the loss of his sister when we found out that he was there…and big…nearly halfway grown. Obviously that brought unexpected joy, but also fear, confusion…so many different things. Fast forward 16 years to where we are now…he is such a sweet blessing and has always had a heart drawn to God. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God let him stay for so many reasons…To comfort us and bring us joy and to honor Him!
I should probably wrap this up for now…it has gone long. I guess the thing I want most to share in this message…the most important thing I want to convey is to trust God in the baby steps, even when they are hard or scary. He is ALWAYS faithful and ALWAYS good. He promises to walk beside us…to never leave us or forsake us. He is true to His word.
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